"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
