Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
