if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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