I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
