the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
