My girlfriend figured out who you are.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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