so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
