i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
