Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
