I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
