we're chasing vodka with high fives
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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