i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
