Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
