I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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