She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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