update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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