so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
