i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
