totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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