I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
