Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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