The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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