if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
