my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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