I'm really into asian looking animals
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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