Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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