So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
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At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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