I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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