Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize