I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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