you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
