I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
