i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
