You're earring is so big in my mouth
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
