is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
