I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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