look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize