Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
