If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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