I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
