theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
