The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
