She's JV to your varsity
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
