Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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