I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
