i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
