god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
