why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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