If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
