Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
