haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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