The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
