i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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