I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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