John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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