My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Randomize
