I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
