My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
