I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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