How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
