Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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