Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
