I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
