One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
