i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
